Behind The Doctor's Eyes
by RagamuffinSundrop
Summary: What is really going on behind the blue eyes of the Doctor?


Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any rights to or properties of the show. All belong to the BBC and RTD. The song "Behind Blue Eyes" belongs to The Who

I do own a beautiful Norweigen Blue Parrot. It doesn't talk and to tell you the truth it doesn't move either. I think it is pining for the fjords.

Characters: Nine/Rose

Spoilers:: All of Season One

Behind The Doctor's Eyes

_No one knows what it's like _

_To be the bad man _

_To be the sad man _

_Behind blue eyes _

She thought she knew him. The Doctor could see it in her eyes when Rose spoke to him now. She thought she knew him; they had been together for a few months and had in some ways become very close. She was closer to him than any companion had been in a long time, but she didn't know him. That he couldn't, wouldn't allow.

If she ever truly learned of who he was; her fragile psyche would be damaged beyond all repair. He was a monster; he was so very lonely.

_No one knows what it's like _

_To be hated _

_To be fated _

_To telling only lies _

He was hated by the ghosts of his past. He had killed those he loved; he had done it for the greater good, but that hadn't changed the fact that they were still dead and gone by his hand. It had been for the greater good was the lie he told himself every time he thought of his ghosts. It was a lie he could never fully bring himself to believe.

_But my dreams _

_They aren't as empty _

_As my conscience seems to be _

When he slept his dreams were always full. They were full of hate and pain. They were full of blood and loss. He didn't tell Rose about the dreams. They were his burden alone to bear, never hers. She was goodness and light. She was purity of heart and innocence. His dreams would shatter her.

So he hid his dreams from her. He tried to hide his feelings behind a congenial mask. Some days he thought it worked. Other days he knew it hadn't. On those days he knew his conscience was far from empty.

_I have hours, only lonely _

_My love is vengeance _

_That's never free _

Even with her here in the darkest hours when Rose was asleep and unaware he was alone. He was lonely; lonely in ways that the sweet little nineteen-year-old shop girl from London could never imagine and should never have to imagine.

He loved her. The Doctor realized that after spending a few weeks with her. He had known it on Downing Street when he had to decide if he could save the world and lose Rose. In the end, the decision had been taken from him. Rose, his sweet, wonderful, brave, beautiful, undeserved Rose had made the decision for him.

In Utah when he thought he'd killed her by locking her in with the Dalek, his love had become vengeance. If Rose was dead he had no reason not to destroy them all, everyone who had somehow contributed to Rose's death including himself. He would destroy them all and then he would die. There were ways to get around regeneration and it would cost him greatly but he didn't care. He would find them all.

_No one knows what it's like _

_To feel these feelings _

_Like I do _

_And I blame you _

She was changing him, damn her. Rose was changing him and he didn't want to be changed. Rose was making him live again and making him care, not about just the universe. He had always cared about the universe that Rose hadn't changed. She was making him care about himself. He hadn't cared about himself since before the time war.

She was making him feel like a stupid ape. He was experiencing emotions he had no business feeling. When Jack joined them it had been at Rose's request. Anything for his Rose. When Jack stayed with them the Doctor had to deal with feelings of protectiveness, and jealousy. These were emotions that hadn't had a place in his life for a very long time. He blamed Rose.

_No one bites back as hard _

_On their anger _

_None of my pain and woe _

_Can show through _

He had to get her to leave him. It would be the only way Rose would be safe. If she stayed on the game station she would be destroyed. He couldn't and wouldn't allow that to happen. It made him angry that the choice had been taken from him. He wished he could keep Rose with him. Better not let her see how much it was hurting him to let her go. Can't show the pain don't let her see it. So he kissed her and sent her away.

_No one knows what it's like _

_To be the bad man _

_To be the sad man _

_Behind blue eyes _

When she comes back, the Doctor is angry and worried. Rose is going to die and it will be all his fault. When she comes back the Doctor can hear it in her head. She has done this because she knows it is what he would have done. As he kisses her and takes the vortex away the Doctor realizes in his last moments that he was wrong. Rose, a one in a million woman, knew what it was like to be the man behind blue eyes.


End file.
